Friends Love You For You

“Friends are like your backbone. They are always there when you need support” (iliketoquote.com). Friends are there for a reason, and want to help when things become difficult. When you need to cry your eyes out, sometimes you need someone to listen. There may not be anything a friend can say that will make the pain diminish completely, but knowing someone is there can help tremendously. 

I am a type of person who will drop anything for my friends, but I do not take the time to care of my emotional well-being when things become difficult. I never want to complain to others about what is going on with me physically or emotionally. I grew up learning that others do not want to hear about the negatives in your life, so I tend to focus all of my energy with on the positives; I’m learning this may not be a healthy motive all the time.

While being on the phone with a friend, I noticed I had tears rolling down my eyes. The tears were not directly related to my physical pain, but the emotional pain I haven’t processed yet. As the tears flooded out, a sense of calmness arose I felt like a weight was lifted off my chest. I continuously thanked my friend for listening to my nonsense and she replied gently: “I love you and I want to know what’s going on in your life. You’re going through more than someone should, and you have to open up to others and tell them. You can always come to me”. 

I can’t be afraid to tell people how I truly feel, otherwise I will be alone handling life situations. Friends can be great support systems, and if they really care about you, they will be there for you during the good the bad and the ugly. Sometimes you need the reassurance that it’s okay to reach out and ask for help. If friends truly care about you, they will not judge you; they only want what is in the best interest for you.

24 Hours After Surgery

Yesterday I had my third surgery on my left leg, and I’m excited to say we are all confident this is the last surgery for this leg. Before I went into the OR, the surgeon explain when my muscle tore last week, it actually helped in regards to the surgical process. When it tore, it lengthened my achillies, but not enough to eliminate surgery in total. Before the surgery was performed, a nerve block was done, and it was agreed that a ketamine infusion be performed while I was under anesthesia. Ketamine can be beneficial for individuals who have RSD/CRPS as it can slow down/prevent spreading of the disease. 

When I woke up in the PACU, I was feeling pretty good and wanted to go home. I didn’t see the surgeon when I woke up, but he did speak with my dad about how surgery went. The surgery was successful, and the surgeon was able to lengthen my achillies without difficulty. He was not concerned about my achillies rupturing in the future, and did not feel it would have the be severed (THANK YOU LORD). He also explained there is a 50/50 chance I will need braces on this leg, which left me feeling really hopeful. 

At 8:00 last night, I recieved a voicemail from my surgeon checking in on me. He said how well I did in surgery, and woke up immediately after it was over. He talked about how happy he was, and is confident this is going to help. I was shocked I got that message from him, as I’ve never gotten a call from him checking in on me. I was smiling as I listened to this, and kept thinking I am blessed to have a surgeon that truly cares. 

Taking Care of Your Mental Health is Important

Everyone goes through some form of pain, and handles it in their own way. This pain can be physical, mental, or emotional. There is always help for anyone that may be struggling, but the first step one has to take is reaching out for help and accepting that you can’t solve your problems independently. It’s hard to admit when you’re struggling, and can be embarrassing to ask for help. There are many thoughts that can go through one’s mind about how others may view you for needing help. For a long time I was afraid of what people would think of me for asking for psychological help. After going back and fourth with myself for a while, I finally told myself to cut the shit on procrastinating and ask for help. I was tired of being afraid of what others thought, and I needed to put myself as a priority.

I entered counseling two years ago, as I needed help. I was struggling coping with all that was going on, and was spiraling into a deep depression. It was difficult to accept that my life was drastically changing, and I would have to learn how to adapt being permanently disabled. I was sad about everything, and had a laundry list of things I was grieving about: loss of independence, not being able to finish school, limited mobility, and loss of relationships. I hated how much was out of my control. Every doctors appointment that I would go to, I would leave there bawling my eyes out as doctors were stumped and couldn’t help. It was mentally draining hearing doctors continue to blame my symptoms to my psychiatric issues, even though I knew something more was wrong; I felt completely hopeless. I was tired of being labelled as a drug seeker, and I felt like no one was listening to me. I stopped being social, and struggled reaching out to close friends. In my head, I felt the people I loved wouldn’t want to spend time with someone who is constantly in pain with an unknown reason of why this was occurring. I felt like everyone was judging me, and thinking I was making this up to get attention. This was a time that I felt alone, and no one understood how much emotional pain I was feeling. 

I became defensive towards providers and would have my guard up ready to fight back. Doctors were dismissing my situation, and I was determined to prove them wrong. My gut was screaming something wasn’t right, and my heart sank when I learned that my gut was right. The day I learned I was facing amputation, is when I started giving up on myself. I was so angry it took so long to figure everything out, and all I could think of was the comment multiple providers repeated numerous of times: “you should have came to us sooner”. I truly felt defeated.

I was devestated and furious with myself. I started mentally beating myself up that I should have done more; I was convinced this was my fault. I became hyper focused on trying to figure out what caused my legs to develop dystonia, and continued to harp on what I should have done differently. I knew things were going to get better, but the feeling of failure would not go away. I became so sad knowing I needed amputation; I wanted to use my legs all I could. I began walking around the house without my crutches, forcing all of my weight on my contracted/paralyzed toes and frozen ankles. In my mind, I wanted to enjoy using my feet all I could before they were taken away from me. When looking back at this period of time, I recognize how unhealthy this behavior was. This was the only control I had, and I felt like I deserved to be in pain. 

I remember having lunch with a close family friend, who disclosed how concerned she was about me. She is a neuropsychologist, and is someone that I have always respected and viewed as a big sister figure. She urged me to get myself into counseling to do trauma work. She looked at me and said that it’s worth the emotional pain to take care of yourself. This was the best advice I have taken from someone. 

I increased my counseling sessions to twice a week, and was consistent going to them. I wanted to get my life back, and I was willing to do the work. I began utilizing cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)  with my therapist, and did self help workbooks independently so I could incorporate CBT daily. Medication was adjusted in hopes to to help with my anxiety, depression, and ADHD on a chemical level. I encorporated mindfulness, and started using the creative arts as my form of meditation. Painting was always somethings I loved, but I lost the drive to continue. I forced myself to do some form of art weekly, whether it was painting, writing, or knitting. I focused on holistic approaches to help with my pain management, and would learn that is also helped my mental health. I got myself involved with the Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Association (RSDA) and started doing work with their peer mentor program and became a member of their grant committee. 

It has been 8 months since I started counseling twice a week, and it makes my heart happy to see that my hard work is paying off. I’ve noticed I am happier and calmer all around, and my anxiety/depression has been decreasing substantially. My anger has been diminishing, and I feel like myself again. My anxiety will creep up at times, but I’m able to intervene and use healthy coping skills to help with these feelings. Im not afraid to ask for help when I need to vent, or even sob my eyes out. Growing up I have always hated the word patience, and it is now one of my favorite words. When you put in the work, be patient and you will see positive results. 

The best gift I could have given myself was to take care of my whole self. There is still work I need to do, and I will continue to dedicate my energy on getting better. When life becomes difficult, hang on because it will get better. Reliving painful memories is never easy by any means, but it will strengthen you as a person. The strongest thing one can do for themselves is ask for help.

Muscle Tear 6 Days before Surgery

I have been experiencing a lot of pain that feels like something is tearing/ripping in my leg. We knew there was a possibility that my achillies would tear on its own, but this was something we were not too concerned about. Our understanding that if my achillies tore or ruptured, it would not be the worst thing.  On Tuesday I woke up and found a lump on the side of my calf with severe pain. As the day went on, the swelling increased, as well as the pain. If I moved my leg, the tearing sensation would increase. I put in a call to my surgeon who was pretty sure my achillies had torn on its own or was beginning to tear slowly. The doctor wanted me to call him the next day, and update him on the status of everything. 

After being awake all night from the pain, I looked at my leg and it was bigger than it was the night before. It looks like a baseball is popping out of my leg. I called the surgeon and was told to come in and see his physians assistant. When I saw her, she said my achillies was in tact, but I did have a torn muscle where the ball sized lump was. She said there’s a possibility my achillies is tearing but we will not know that for sure until I go into surgery. There is questioning if I have damage to a nerve as I don’t have sensation in half of my foot and heel, or is the swelling causing the numbness. The only way to correct this is with surgery, which is in 6 days. It was recommended I stay off my leg as much as I can due to the swelling, and it is crucial the swelling stays down as it will impact my surgery negatively. 

As much as this situation stinks, it’s nothing I didn’t expect and it could be worse. The appointment overall was positive, and I am grateful there isn’t signs of a blood clot. The treatment plan for the time being: puppy snuggles and binge watching shows on Netflix