What it feels like to sit in pre op once again

As I walk into the pre op room at Faulkner Hospital, I’m greeted by a familiar face who states “onto another surgery?”  I smiled and said “4 surgeries later, were finally tackling my right side”. She is the sweetest secretary, and last time I saw her, we were discussing about a company that will deliver edible raw cookie dough. I was in heaven eating that, and I thank my friend Kerry for sending me such a thoughtful surprise. 

I’m sitting in the same chair I was last time, and everything still smells the same: sterile. I’m looking at my phone, and talking with my friend who accompanied me, and I noticed I felt a sense of ease; my right foot will be tackled in 7 days, and I can close this chapter in my life.

As much as I don’t want to undergo the pain with the recovery, I am ready to get this done. I have seen how far I have come with my left leg, and the pain will be worth it when I’m able to stand on my right foot without my toes being contracted. I often think about how I want to celebrate having my feet again when these surgeries are completed. For me, I want to feel the sand in between my toes. 

Going through surgery is never easy, and I remember being terrified going through this not even a year ago. I had so many thoughts and emotions going through my head, but the biggest thought was “how am I going to cope if the surgeon couldn’t save my foot?” This time around, that concern that was clouding my brain has diminished. Am I scared, absolutely. Who wouldn’t be, as surgery can be nerve wracking. The primary difference between this surgery and my first surgery, is I feel confident. I have faith in both my surgeon and myself that things will go smoothly.  I am going into this surgery knowing I will wake up with my toes. 

It can be hard to open up to others

The last couple of weeks I can tell I’ve been isolating. I always have people around me around the clock, and it’s hard to have alone time. My alone time is at night, and many times I want that time for myself. I want to be independent, but it’s difficult when I need help with basic tasks. I have a hard time opening up and telling others how I truly feel, as I don’t want to be a burden. My health issues is the main thing that is going on in my life, and it gets tiring talking about it. Who wants to hear about ongoing medical issues that may bring your spirits down? There are many things that I have going on that are non medical, and at times, it is difficult embracing these things. 

I have a large support system, but it’s difficult to reach out and say I need help. Some days are easier than others, and I’m doing the best I can to open up. At times, I’m afraid to tell someone how I truly feel, as I’m sensitive to others who may have opposing views. 

Currently, I am trying to be as independent as I can, even if it may not be the safest decision. In my eyes I see it as ‘let me enjoy it until it’s taken away from me’. It’s difficult to transition from walking, to being wheelchair bound for more than 3 months. Yes this is only temporary, but it is still hard for me to accept that I have to do this. 

Art has been my outlet, and I’m trying to push myself daily to do some form of it. I’ve finally gotten back into painting, and I can’t allow myself to take a break from it again. For a period of time, I had lost my drive to create. Lately I will put music on, and paint for 4+ hours at a time. For me, painting is an outlet; I feel completely calm, and I am focused on the process of creating. 

I want to be the best version of myself, and that’s a work in progress. My top priority is to work on loving myself for who I am, and accepting my new norm. There is no quick fix for this , just continuing to do my best everyday.