Taking Care of Your Mental Health is Important

Everyone goes through some form of pain, and handles it in their own way. This pain can be physical, mental, or emotional. There is always help for anyone that may be struggling, but the first step one has to take is reaching out for help and accepting that you can’t solve your problems independently. It’s hard to admit when you’re struggling, and can be embarrassing to ask for help. There are many thoughts that can go through one’s mind about how others may view you for needing help. For a long time I was afraid of what people would think of me for asking for psychological help. After going back and fourth with myself for a while, I finally told myself to cut the shit on procrastinating and ask for help. I was tired of being afraid of what others thought, and I needed to put myself as a priority.

I entered counseling two years ago, as I needed help. I was struggling coping with all that was going on, and was spiraling into a deep depression. It was difficult to accept that my life was drastically changing, and I would have to learn how to adapt being permanently disabled. I was sad about everything, and had a laundry list of things I was grieving about: loss of independence, not being able to finish school, limited mobility, and loss of relationships. I hated how much was out of my control. Every doctors appointment that I would go to, I would leave there bawling my eyes out as doctors were stumped and couldn’t help. It was mentally draining hearing doctors continue to blame my symptoms to my psychiatric issues, even though I knew something more was wrong; I felt completely hopeless. I was tired of being labelled as a drug seeker, and I felt like no one was listening to me. I stopped being social, and struggled reaching out to close friends. In my head, I felt the people I loved wouldn’t want to spend time with someone who is constantly in pain with an unknown reason of why this was occurring. I felt like everyone was judging me, and thinking I was making this up to get attention. This was a time that I felt alone, and no one understood how much emotional pain I was feeling. 

I became defensive towards providers and would have my guard up ready to fight back. Doctors were dismissing my situation, and I was determined to prove them wrong. My gut was screaming something wasn’t right, and my heart sank when I learned that my gut was right. The day I learned I was facing amputation, is when I started giving up on myself. I was so angry it took so long to figure everything out, and all I could think of was the comment multiple providers repeated numerous of times: “you should have came to us sooner”. I truly felt defeated.

I was devestated and furious with myself. I started mentally beating myself up that I should have done more; I was convinced this was my fault. I became hyper focused on trying to figure out what caused my legs to develop dystonia, and continued to harp on what I should have done differently. I knew things were going to get better, but the feeling of failure would not go away. I became so sad knowing I needed amputation; I wanted to use my legs all I could. I began walking around the house without my crutches, forcing all of my weight on my contracted/paralyzed toes and frozen ankles. In my mind, I wanted to enjoy using my feet all I could before they were taken away from me. When looking back at this period of time, I recognize how unhealthy this behavior was. This was the only control I had, and I felt like I deserved to be in pain. 

I remember having lunch with a close family friend, who disclosed how concerned she was about me. She is a neuropsychologist, and is someone that I have always respected and viewed as a big sister figure. She urged me to get myself into counseling to do trauma work. She looked at me and said that it’s worth the emotional pain to take care of yourself. This was the best advice I have taken from someone. 

I increased my counseling sessions to twice a week, and was consistent going to them. I wanted to get my life back, and I was willing to do the work. I began utilizing cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)  with my therapist, and did self help workbooks independently so I could incorporate CBT daily. Medication was adjusted in hopes to to help with my anxiety, depression, and ADHD on a chemical level. I encorporated mindfulness, and started using the creative arts as my form of meditation. Painting was always somethings I loved, but I lost the drive to continue. I forced myself to do some form of art weekly, whether it was painting, writing, or knitting. I focused on holistic approaches to help with my pain management, and would learn that is also helped my mental health. I got myself involved with the Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Association (RSDA) and started doing work with their peer mentor program and became a member of their grant committee. 

It has been 8 months since I started counseling twice a week, and it makes my heart happy to see that my hard work is paying off. I’ve noticed I am happier and calmer all around, and my anxiety/depression has been decreasing substantially. My anger has been diminishing, and I feel like myself again. My anxiety will creep up at times, but I’m able to intervene and use healthy coping skills to help with these feelings. Im not afraid to ask for help when I need to vent, or even sob my eyes out. Growing up I have always hated the word patience, and it is now one of my favorite words. When you put in the work, be patient and you will see positive results. 

The best gift I could have given myself was to take care of my whole self. There is still work I need to do, and I will continue to dedicate my energy on getting better. When life becomes difficult, hang on because it will get better. Reliving painful memories is never easy by any means, but it will strengthen you as a person. The strongest thing one can do for themselves is ask for help.